He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i came on her dog
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
