I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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