The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
