John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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