I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
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He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
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Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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