Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
