Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
