There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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