how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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