I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
