The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
