I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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