mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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