we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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