____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Ladies don't puke and tell
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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