I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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