He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
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