turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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