I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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