Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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