god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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