she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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