You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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