the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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