So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
