my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
