Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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