just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
