you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
he's gonorrhea incarnate
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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