i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
