My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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