Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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