Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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