I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Need sex. Gaining weight.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
