my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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