Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
