Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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