What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
