I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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