He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
