My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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