1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
