the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
