my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
