dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
