So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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