hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the condom got lost in my hair
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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