I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
