i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
