her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
