you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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