dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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