you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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