farters have to be the big spoon...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
