You're my little dorito
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm passing your future prison.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
