So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
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I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
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I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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