1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
sex in a hospital.. check
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
